Downward Spiral
by aoirei
Summary: He had more in happiness, too. He had her." Riku reminisces on his seemingly non-mutal affections as he holds a knife to his arms. Songfic "Last Resort." Unrequited shounen ai. Bad summary. x.x


**Disclaimer**: I don't own Kingdom Hearts, SquareSoft/SquareEnix and Disney do. I also don't own "Last Resort" by: Papa Roach. I only own the plot (hopefully).

**(a/n)**: Okay, Velvet Morning is on a pause because I haven't felt like updating it ; (sorry! To those who have actually be reading it ;). So, I'm starting this one ;. Let me give some explanations about why some things are going to be slightly different. This is an AU. There! That's it.

**Warnings**: Self-mutilation,suicide, drug abuse, under-age drinking, NCS,rape

**Rating**:PG-13 – I mean, if you looked, I think the warnings tell you why it's being rated this. I'm not rating it "R" because I don't think it's really _that_ bad.

**Pairings**: RikuSora, KairiSora, SoraKairi (kind of), other

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**Downward Spiral**

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_Cut my life into pieces _

_I've reached my last resort_

_Suffocation no breathing_

_Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding_

_Do you even care if I die pleading?_

The blade slid easily through the too-pale skin. I smiled. God, it felt so good. Little shivers ran up my spine and I almost made a noise—it felt so good. The rush… the adrenaline rush was to die for. Who needs _him_ when I had _this_? It didn't matter that this rush didn't have those blue eyes, that brown hair.

No, it was okay that it didn't remind me of _him_.

_Would it be wrong, would it be right_

_If I took my life tonight_

_Chances are that I might_

_Mutilation out of sight_

_And I'm contemplating suicide_

The blood mixes with the cold, water-filled bathtub. Don't get me wrong, I was still fully clothed, I didn't want anyone seeing my body, after-all. Especially not that bastard of a father. I wouldn't find it too hard to believe if that man was some sort of necrophiliac who would only rape my body.

Hey, it wasn't like he didn't do it while I was still alive, right?

_I never realized I was too spread too thin_

_I'll it was too late and I was empty within_

Another slice.

This one was followed with a small sting, and I had a feeling I hit the vein again. I don't know how I wasn't losing consciousness. I had already gotten weak from no eat, no sleep, drugs, and all my worry.

The past year had been _hell_. Somehow my new habits had caused a stunt in my growth—maybe I just stopped altogether?—and now _he_ was taller than me. I had always reveled in how I would always be bigger than _him_, but now I couldn't boast about my muscles or height advantage. No, _he_ had more in everything now.

_He_ had more in happiness, too. _He_ had _her_.

This slice was deeper than the rest, and it ran over the length of the arm opposite of the other arm with the previous cuts in it. Maybe my anger had fueled this sudden cut, but who cared? I didn't.

The drugs were to make things slightly better, the drinking was too put me into a stupor of misunderstanding so that I wouldn't have to deal with the truth that _he_ wouldn't feel the same way… the way my father had become an alcoholic and now raped me almost weekly.

_Hungry, Feeding on my chaos and living in sin_

_Downward spiral, where do I begin_

Watching them had been almost as painful as getting raped by my own father, if not worse. They would always be laughing, and _he'd_ wrap an arm around _her_ shoulders as _she_ blushed lightly.

It hurt so much—to watch them together… But, he'd always seem so… so _happy_. I didn't want to take it away from him. I wanted him to be happy. My sadness didn't matter, did it? No, not to me… I wanted to make him happy... I wanted to make sure he'd always smile… That smile he did that would light up the room he was in.

I wanted him to stay like he was _forever_. That's why I was waiting to die in that bathtub. That's why I had to end my life. Because, in order for him not to be hurt by me, I had to stop existing. In order for him to smile, I had to die.

The next slice was the last, since I became too weak to hold the knife after it. I smiled as I watched the still-running water spill over the edges of the tub and onto the rug and tile beneath. I could almost imagine my father's annoyance when he had to clean it.

_It all started when I lost my mother_

_No love for myself and no love for another_

_Searching to find a love upon a high level_

_Finding nothing questions and devils_

But, now, all I could think of was that day last week, when I had been stupid enough to admit to _him_ that I had feelings towards that were a little more than friendly. But, at least I had gotten a taste of those lips against mine, before _he_ ran off.

_He_ hadn't spoken to me since, and I guess it was sort of a last straw. _He_ had been the only thing that had held me together… Without _him_, I finally succumb to what had been calling me…

_Nothing's alright, nothing is fine_

_I'm running and I'm crying_

The final slashes.

Sure, I had been doing this long before now, and this wasn't my first time. Far from it, actually. I had been cutting myself for months now, and the flawless skin there was now covered with little slashes. But, of course no one ever noticed them. I had been very careful with how I hid them—wearing long-sleeved shirts even in the hottest of weather.

Hey… It's getting so dark now… The funny thing is, I can hear _his_ voice calling my name in _my_ head. God, why is he everywhere? I guess death really is the only escape from _him_.

'_Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind_

_Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine_

_Losing my sight, losing my mind_

_Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine_

Even now, I miss him… I wish he was here to tell me everything would be fine… Just like he had when my mom had died… Just like he had been my father started drinking… Just like he had when I would cry.

My vision blurs further, and I realize that it's hard to breathe. Heh, so I'm really dying now. I'm not scared though. I just hope I don't miss him in whatever comes after this… Everything feels numb… and my eyes close… I can almost see him smiling in my head; him being happy. But, as everything fades, I change my mind and hope I do miss him. I would never want to forget him…

I'm sorry, Sora, but…

_Can't go on living this way_

_Nothing's alright_

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**(a/n)**: I might continue this. Review?


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